Letters With Love - 10

I got a thought of writing a story about a girl with every character of yours. But, I gave up just with the thought, you know why?  I fear I would never start the story coz I am never sure how many pages I may end up describing you!

I really know you care for me but I don’t understand when you purposefully act like you never care. Sometime later I know – I realize!

And there are other moments where I play back past smiling and end up with a desolated feel, you text me ‘Are you ok?’ instead of ‘How are you?’ and I keep wondering, forgetting what I was in!

There are really uncountable moments for which I would be upset over you and would stare straight at my desktop. Once there was a similar situation and you phoned me. You took only 40 seconds to make me smile again. I wonder!

Usually, simple questions go unanswered but when I am with you simple answers go unquestioned! I really wonder why no one asks me ‘whom you like the most?’ But even if someone asks, I would never give someone the pleasure of hearing your name from me!

Do you know? I have one photo of yours in which you smile and sometimes don’t. Puzzled? Yeah, I too was. Later, I developed a habit to take a look at that photo before calling you and proceed only if it smiles. You are smiling in it since then!

Do you know what I enjoy the most in our conversations? It’s when you laugh when am angry, I might sometimes say ‘Don’t laugh!’ but I would have smiled involuntarily then!

When am not alone, I get a strange feel that I am not so good with people around me always. But I never get that feel when you are around. Do you know why? I really don’t know!

Everyone has something to answer when someone asks ‘The Best happening’ for their life time. I am not sure what you have and what you would say but I would stay silent without an answer. May be if you ask, I would whisper it in your ears ‘Shhh.. Secrett!’

It's 5 Years!

A kid is not so happy being a kid. Every kid wants to grow old and reach a particular age and years later every kid realizes it’s much better to be a kid again. You will never know how much good something is when you are too close to it. A time travel in the past could sometimes bring out the best part of life, but sometimes it brings out Life itself.

College: Everyone enters this part of life with what they have secured in their higher secondary – yes even me, I had a secure friendship which got me in here.

Who I met first? I have an answer though many may not be exact as I am. It all started with hundreds of new faces, smell of fresh books, a watery ground and a compact classroom. As the days passed, the generalized category new faces were classified as Crush, Love and Friends, Corridors and canteen were grouped as hangout spots, nicknames became primary, corridor sights (Juniors/Staffs/ anyone in earth), Birthday cakes and treats, Chocolates, weekend movies, IPL trips, conference calls, Orkut scraps, Gtalk Chats, Long mobile texts, frequent forward mails, group chats, group mails, facebook comments…

Passing food during class hours, talking, laughing and running around with lunch boxes during the lunch hour, ‘saaarrr’ in chorus when class is bored, Clapping hands for ‘Saturday is holiday’ circular, Visiting library only for getting ‘no-due’ form sign, When staff says ‘Don’t talk’ we would say ‘discussing ma’am’, giggling automatically when staff says ‘Get out’, asking more questions and doubts to delay the class tests, debates that ended up in fights, the sleepy guest lectures, funny seminars, Project reviews presentations, playing Hollywood, Association hours, Counter Strike in computer labs and finally lengthy advices from staffs.

There were some words that bring out sheer enthusiasm and sudden rise in spirit: Blue lotus, other college symposiums, Czenia, Culturals, Sports and Annual Days. Sometimes we longed for an Industrial Visit (tour), though we are not blessed with it – we satisfied ourselves with Symposia trips!

Most of them have become obsolete now but I could get a picture of every word with everyone I lived with. I miss them all but you know what I miss the most? Staff saying ‘Attendance please’; you know why? That is the only time you could casually see someone who you wish to and check for the same dress color!

Same as most, I wanted to grow up – get out – earn and enjoy. Every part of life defines you something – this part defined Friends to me. I am proud – I have lived those best days of my life. It was not the same five years back and I am not same as what I am now.

Life is a strange journey from desperateness to awesomeness. It was so simple, simply awesome.

Need Money?

Yes. I do. Everyone needs it, but the real question would be how much an individual actually require. 100? 1000? 10000? I know, tough question. It depends.

Holding an iPhone or something equal to that standard rather a call/text only phones will certainly reduce the size of the globe. Everyone loves to wear branded shoes, robes and wrist watches. It’s practically impossible for us to expect everything as a gift from our uncle or aunt living abroad as they visit only once in a year or six months.

When on a trip, No one says ‘No’ to a cozy stay at a resort or a perfect supper at a star hotel. Wondering how this suits for Ratan Tata? Everyone has their own reasons – to maintain their caliber or to experience at least once in their lifetime. But whoever, money is inevitable.

In a society that is so complex and crowded, you can't be there ruining yourself with quotes like ‘I have values and so I don’t need money’ for every human is respected with what money they have. May be after you get established you can act being simple (Use Nokia 1100 phones, Plain kurta, etc.,) and give pose for the cover stories in top magazines standing behind huts.

It’s always better to be in a car / bike than standing with a crowd in a public transport and much better to take the airways frequently rather trying hard to book tickets in IRCTC. I am not here for asking you to look at who walk when you have a bike or to look at someone in hut when you have a concrete roof on a rainy day. Luxury is not a crime when you are comfortable with it.

With all those comforts, money could be the ultimatum in one’s life.

Everyone has that one person for who you would compromise anything just for their happiness, even your presence and that is the one you always have in your prayers!

What’s in your mind?

Need Money?

How Good Are You?

How good are you? You have an answer?

Everyone has a personal life. Be it your friend (best friend, good friend, more than a friend or whatever!), love or any relation you consider closest, they do have a personal life. Even if you are not good in understanding them, better accept them.

Usually there is a wrong thought that Girls feel insecure in relationships. Might be true, but every Guy is more insecure than her girl is. You talk hours over phone, you text the remaining time, you know her really well and still when she talks with someone else you feel bad. You ask stupid questions, suspect and sometimes you call all your insecurities under one roof – Possessiveness.

Everyone is possessive – be it a guy or a girl. Possessiveness is such a poised feel. When someone is possessive over you, you feel happy. And when you are possessive over someone you feel bad. But, you know? Without possessiveness you can have no successful relationships.

Every girl is grown up with the same infra you have got – a co-ed school, some good neighbors, some good childhood friends who are boys, best friends at college and colleagues at corporate. When you can smile at your colleague with no intentions, why can't she do the same? You don’t need to praise womanhood to attract her and more than that no girl expects you to praise her rather respect.

At extreme times, you think ‘Is she the only girl in the universe, why to feel?’ and decide let her go. But in the end, it will be only you feeling more because you have never thought of the same with any other girl. But beware; you are not the only guy in the universe either!

More than all these, in relationships guys have a slight edge over girls somewhere. You know where? A girl never loses respect over you, she may never talk bad about you to any one and she may sometimes not talk to you anymore but what she had for you remains the same. Forever – it’s a word found only in guy’s dictionary and she may not use it. Because, once you are friend to her – you are her friend forever.

If you are proud to say ‘I am possessive over her’, be bold enough to accept ‘you are not you without her’. If you feel you have rights over her – Leave out your ego, reach her and just smile – you will be friends again. Every girl is a mother at heart.

How good are you?

Letters With Love - 09

I usually write down whenever something special happens when we meet so I won’t be blaming my memory in future. I even write down even when nothing special happens but just meet, you know why? Maybe even that could be a distant dream after days!

Whenever we depart after we meet, I get a strange feel as this could be the last time I meet you and so I always wanted to stay a few minutes longer. But you believed we will meet again calling it faith, but I bet there is always a ‘last’ for everything!

You may suggest me to give a call whenever I miss you, I may promise and say ‘Sure I would’ but I fear your phone will be ringing all day together. So I would ask you to do the same and my mobile will stay silent all years together!

I searched for my mobile all around once when I missed you and wanted to call you badly holding the mobile in my hand. Recently am misplacing it many times a day but I involuntarily search my hands first! 

Gone are those days where you stare at your mobile screen and expect me to call / text and I would do it without a delay just with your thought. Even now I always have a choice to call / text but it would remain as an un-attempted choice ever after!

I may not ask you ‘a cup of coffee?’ again and in some days you even could forget the phrase. But, I would remember it every evening hoping to forget it! 

Maybe all that I could manage and move on, but I could never find a way to stop my urge to call you and act indifferent when something reminds me you!

Whenever someone asks me that involves you, I usually say ‘I don’t remember’ for all that remembers you – with a faith I could really forget them one day!

Letters With Love - 08

People ask me, ‘Don’t you love her? Why don’t you just accept that?’ I usually smile at their ignorance. But the real question here is, how can I call it just love if it was more than the word itself? A feel is worth more than just a combination of vowels and consonants – I feel.

When I travel alone, it is little difficult to look outside the windows – you know why? Not that I expect you somewhere out but I remember and relate simple things with you and I lose control of what is real around me. Even then, I sometimes caught hold of things which would interest you and imagine how you would have reacted if you were here. I do imagine them even when you are around me, but I love the surprises you give me every time with your reactions!

So I stopped staring outside and started looking into my mobile always. While going through the photos in my mobile I stop at certain – you know where? Maybe sometimes a quote you loved or most times it’s you.

I remember those days, when I just don’t feel like working, I call you up, talk and smile a little and get back to work. But now I prefer distracting myself to work more but you know, whenever I stop – I still think of you!

It may be easy to move on than holding on to it, but I love striving any harder just to hold you on. I really don’t know what is the real meaning for the phrase ‘miss you’ – but whenever someone ask “You look like missing someone always, don’t you?” I get your face flashing with a smile – bringing a little smile over my face and I reply – “Always? It’s just sometimes!”

You always reduced your time with me as you wished me to spend more time with others. But do you know when I don’t talk to you – I don’t talk to anyone. I never wanted to ease the time but it happened naturally now and I feel lonely than ever without you here!

Sometimes I just talk alone, just like I write – may be people call it psychic, but you know why I do that still? I feel words travel far and somehow I believe you hear!

Letters with Love - 07

One day, I thought I could give up writing diary every night. Later, I really gave up and started writing letters. You know, I don’t feel any difference as I always write about you and am still doing it!

Sometimes I don’t get courage to post them to you in person, even to say that I have written about you. But 3/100 people guess them right. You have never made it into the 3 even once. But I know, somehow and some day you will feel every letter is written to you and only you.

There are days, when I feel nothing happened to share with you. But there are other days, I even made up and do things just as I can share them with you!

Sometimes, I get bored and start reading something – even these letters which reminds me of the best part of my life – I could simplify this line with just ‘You’ – your face flashes in my mobile screen! Trust me, it happened thrice in last two days!

Sometimes you feel for someone else more, sometimes you would plan out with someone else, and sometimes you even forget to smile when not in mood. You guess which hurt me? Obviously all the three but the last one little more! Whenever you are not ok, somehow I know. Those are days I send you lots of texts rather call, you know why? I don’t have the courage to talk to you without you smiling!

 When you ask me ‘Shall I wait or leave’, I always wanted you to wait, but I would say ‘No problem. You leave, another 15 minutes for me’. You reply after 15 minutes, ‘Now?’ and I would ever love – as the end of the day is always sweet!

May be even this letter too will run out in length even without a single thought, but you know why I write still? I don’t have any other thoughts other than you when I write – I just love the feel of Life full of You.

Letters with Love - 06

We have walked together holding hands in life so far, but now there comes the day of separation. I stand resist moving further, holding your hands still. But time moved and it’s the time we should move further.

Some days, I sit blank with nothing to think. But today was not such day – I was thinking how it would be after 10 years. We would have moved deeper in our own ways, you have a life – I have mine. We may think we shared one 10 years back.

I would never stare my mobile screen past 10 and your name would never appear flashing suddenly bringing a grin over my face.  Our calls may start ‘Hey… How are you?’ and end with ‘Keep in touch’ which we never have heard saying each other. Earlier, a day without a call ended in a long call at night fighting over reasons. But there are many such days, still we stay comfortable.

Your silence will never be your off mood anymore and even if it was, I may not know. I would never be able to read what you think exactly as you would have someone else to read you perfectly. I wonder whether I could have a chance to say what you think even!

When I call you after a long break from a different number, you could even forget my voice and ask ‘May I know who is this?’ and I say something that remembers you the past – you turn silent for a moment and then smile. When I call you, If it says ‘Call Waiting’ I would never feel anything more than you are busy and would never call you back till you return my call!

We may remember the tiny moments we meet the tiny calls which made huge sense, really small texts which would define our moods and time we spent waiting for a minute talk. We can just remember them but no longer live them!

We would never meet without prior plans, we would never call without festivals and we would never talk without needs but still when someone asks we would ever say ‘We are Best Friends ever!’ I would promise, even if I am not in touch – I would ever write but will remain un-posted as always!

Letters with Love - 05

April 24, 2012

There are days,

I would say ‘I want to enjoy being alone’ and you would hang up the call. But later I would feel life would be much beautiful if it was about you and me alone!

You cry for silly reasons – I would talk for hours to make you normal, and then I feel like holding you close and say you everything will be fine soon but I usually won’t. I want you by my side when I feel low but would never let you know as you would feel much.

When we meet and you hold my hand for relatively a longer time, I would feel no difference as you say that time. But later after you leave, I would smile blankly looking into my hands!

I talk about others who I care other than you, not for I wanted to show I care you less but to show you there is always a life beyond! I show up as I don’t care when you talk about guys other than me, but really I do.

I sleep texting you, sometimes I wake up suddenly and feel like replying you back. But would stop myself as if I do once, you would expect a reply and stay awake all nights! You say ‘I love you’, it’s really harder to hold back my love for you, but I prefer being silent saving them back to show you them rather just saying it!

You use one word to reply in a text, I could have called you and sorted out the problem but I always feel its better if you yourself understand and comeback. I doubt whether you understood every time but you have came back always – I love!

When we have a problem, I usually shout at you ‘What the hell you want me to do?’ you would calmly respond ‘I want to be with you!’, then I would realize and smile feeling how lucky I am!

I feel you love me more, but I wanted to say – there are days when I do love you more!

Letters with Love - 04

April 23, 2012

Whenever I feel like talking to you, I could just call. But I stop with an unusual emptiness and a question ‘What if you think am disturbing you?’ for a moment, think and start writing. I really wonder how I got this habit of writing letters! Might be you think otherwise. I always get a feel to converse without a solid topic, so I may stumble after I call you. It’s always better to write than to make a wrong conversation – I feel.

Morning roads were little busy as I rush towards the office. Even with an hour delay, I never cared to add one more minute staring and smiling at the pathway where you would wait for me in the evening!

When I entered my office floor, there was no one. It’s usual and happens every day for me, but today I felt how it would be if you were here! I have never got a call to my desk phone, but today it rang – I wonder why I thought it could be you for a moment before I picked it up!

Opened my mailbox, zero unread mails it said. Suddenly received a mail from a friend – not you, the first thing I noted was your name and I wonder what's there just magical to make me feel happy. Those are days, when I miss you completely but don’t call/ text since morning waiting for you to initiate. Later I would be initiating first, with a thought I have missed out a complete day at last!

Sometimes I feel why I am missing you the most even when I meet you often. Later, I console myself as it would be the case after a few years! Now I just wanted to say you a thing, may be this is not worth the call. ‘When you really think of someone the whole day, you miss them and you relate everything you see with them!’ When I say this, you may feel you could have heard that somewhere else – that’s why I write!

Letters with Love - 03

April 18, 2012

I write letters for – I can read them twice/edit/delete or even leave it as such un-posted after writing it. Also for, I remember things that are not meant to be said and forget things that I have already said.

I usually don’t mind when I don’t receive a ‘Good Morning’ text from you but you send them on certain days – I wonder how you choose the days I need you the most.

When you purposefully talk about a guy, sometimes I feel possessive and turn silent. You know the cause but still ask ‘What's wrong?’ raising your eyebrow, I would prefer a smile to a word! Later you would talk about us with a reply smile and I realize. I enjoy teasing you with guys – whom you hate, but I ever wonder I would get a chance to tease you with me for you will never hate!

When you ask me something that starts with ‘You remember that day…’ I usually say ‘no’ involuntarily, though I remember. You know why? I just want to hear from you, the way you remembered! But, when I blabber, which I usually do, you turn away. I would say ‘React’, then you smile – I love. When you say something, I usually hear, still I ask you ‘Say again…’ just to hear you say ‘Nothing. Leave!’

I usually group my friends in two ways, one – ‘you’ and the other – ‘not you’ as you always stay special. I always wanted to say your friends that I know you more than them, but I feel it would be awesome if you feel it rather them!

I call you even if I have nothing to say, just because I believe I have someone to hear! Though we are comfortable with the call, I love a text from you as I can cherish them long. For the end is not so far, I know you mean more than a friend but still I stick to it – for that it lasts long! With the word ‘Friend’ – you can’t ask me who is the ‘you’ you mean here, as I always get ‘you’ as the answer everywhere!

Letters with Love - 02

April 4, 2012

I never had a crush over you, but when you said ‘it’s just a crush. Leave behind and walk further’ cheering me up when I thought I had a love failure – I think I had a crush. I have never stared at you, but when you said ‘Don’t worry. I will never leave you!’ when I was down – I saw you a little longer – possibly I stared. I don’t remember smiling to myself, but when I read your text ‘I will be there to disturb you forever!’ – I did smile to myself.

I never cared what I wear till you once noticed and commented on my shirt – but since then I dress a little perfect and would expect you to compliment but you never did. When we abruptly stop and have nothing to say more, you usually say – ‘Ok… See you later… bye’ – but then I wanted to hold you back just to stare. I never looked back while walking away after we meet – but I did once when you too turned back – but then I ever turn back, you never did. May be you did, but at the wrong time.

I have never felt anything different over ages, but when you said you love someone else – I felt why I am not that one. I never talk to anyone else the way I do to you, but when you said that you have one more friend like me – I hated the word ‘like’, even then not you!

I never wanted you to love me, but it would be the best thing that has ever happened on Earth. I never loved you either, but when someone asks me whether I love you – I prefer ‘I don’t know’ to ‘No’. Till then, I have never lied, but whenever you ask ‘Are you ok?’ I usually say, ‘yes’ since then!

Don’t ask me who the girl is – obviously I would say “It’s you!”

Don’t ask me who the guy is – obviously I would say “It’s me!”

Letters With Love: 01

28th April 2012

It’s more than a year since we met.
Lots of things happened in the year, as per your wish and against mine. You would call it ‘God’s’ grace and I would gladly accept it. I could have written you earlier but I wonder why now? May be God’s grace again, as you would say!

I usually have a feel that I own you. Not in the wrong sense, I just feel no one has the right to even write about you other than me. You are no celebrity to deny that!

I have friend(s) to share, a love to care and a family that anyone would be jealous of– this could mean I have moved on, but still I hold a place in my heart no one could ever replace. I wish am there with you as you are 'in' me - I don't care, anymore!

I really don't have any feel towards you now except that a small tinge of happiness when I see/hear something that remembers you. Now its getting much reduced, coz I don't really care! You still wonder, why I write then? You forgot? God's Grace! 
 
You were a dream in my life and so I ever cherish the sleep! Not practical to live with you in the distant land, but good enough to sleep in the day to catch you in your dream land! But sometimes, I do think, if I have known you better, we would have shared the same time zone forever!

Once I thought, if I never see you- I could easily get over you. But later I realized, it’s similar to omitting a character completely from the English alphabet or erasing a number from Fibonacci series! I could have missed you, but I have never - I will never, I could never! Better people walk in and walk out, best people stay – you know who you are to me!

I don’t have a countdown to meet you as I am not sure of the end, I trust counting forward for I have always gained a little more confidence in life with every day added!

May be you miss being here, even if not with me. But I would have missed being with you even if you were here! The words you spoke – I hear, the gestures you show – I fear, the corridor you walked – I stare, now am here where I met you last – standing still. I wait. I still wait for your ‘bye forever’.

Straight from my Trash

People often miss something out searching for something better. The something they miss out must be the something better for someone else. Everyone tends to get the best thing out for themselves. This is universal and is widely accepted for all the material case – as we tend to forget and move on. We lack experience and so we follow the best to choose attitude with everything – even with people. That is worse.

What is there being worse? What is there in choosing the best? You may answer – ‘After all it’s my life. I am living it my way’. Here we say so near equal to Bon Jovi only because we forget there is more Life involved in one Life! Starting from the toy, cricket bat (may be a doll for a girl :P), cycle in primary – taller (Hair for a girl), stronger (Dad for a girl) in secondary – Nice robes, hair style, being attractive in High school – gang of friends, fun in college and finally Life in Life. We are used to this kind of attitude since childhood – we never enjoy what we have.

Ok. I hear lots of voices asking reasons for such huge non-stop blabbering (Don’t say I dint say so. I heard my own!). So, getting back to the topic – oh, wait we dint come to the topic yet.

So, people don’t know to decide and be content with what they have. Is that really the problem? This is the problem, but it’s not little specific and seems vague. Confining this to a particular point (rather the most interesting point) – Love. A small doubt, which is more interesting? Love or Friendship?

Ok. It’s complicated. I think we have confined the topic to a level which is discussed umpteen times. So, we will elaborate our topic to understand a little clear, better and finer. It could be – ‘Relationship’. Here I don’t mean anything related to homosexuals, it is purely a guy-girl thing!

When does this guy-girl thing start? It is well known that it won’t start at the same time for guy and a girl. I have very little knowledge about girls, so this one is again a perspective from a guy. This is not a story – so don’t expect fancy details of girls and over reacting ‘me’!

I warn you – this could be boring!