7 Days of May - Final

I reached Shillong Airport just in time and stood in the check-in queue looking for her all around. My brain clearly knew she is at Guwahati but could not convince the heart yet. Boarded my flight and now I started to stare my mobile phone. I waited and waited for a call or message from her. Something stopped me inside to initiate the conversation.

The cabin crew started making announcements to turn off the electronic devices and I opened her contact and looked up the messages. Her last message read ‘Good Night’ and then it struck me, ‘what if she has sent a message to my old number?’ ‘what if she tried to call me?’. The flight completed taxiing and it was almost ready for takeoff as my mobile tower started to drop points one by one.

“Hi this is Bala. This is my new number” and hit send. I never knew whether it reached her. It was a 4-hour flight and I must wait to see if it really got delivered.

The flight landed 15 minutes early. I walked out of the flight to pick up my baggage and started to walk out of the airport.

“How cool it would be if she was waiting there to receive me with a hug?”, heart started it.

“Seriously? Now? Let him use me for sometime. You better stop watching the stupid emotional movies that has climax scenes at airport or a railway station!”, brain retorted.

I kept walking and smiling within myself with my random thoughts. I checked my mobile again and I got a beep. The message delivered successfully. I got a call within seconds and I knew even before looking at the name that it was her. I gave it a full 10 seconds and picked up walking towards the Airport bus stand.

If you have someone who can call you to hear your silence, do not leave them. If they can understand the silence, go to any extent to be with them.

“I was waiting for you to tell this… all along, from the moment I met you again. What took you so long! You kept going away, don’t you like me?”, she started after a full 30 seconds of silence.

Ego stops you from initiating. Your brain stops you from initiating. Every emotion tries to stop you and you must cut through every one of them to reach the bottom of your heart. Is that why people say love resides deep inside? Regret is much painful than the failure. Follow your heart.

“Do I really have to say? Sounds, language and words came much later to this universe. The feelings were existent much earlier, no?”, I said. “You smiled, didn’t you?”, I added.

“No, I did not.”, she tried to control her emotions and continued, “Was that even a joke?”

I smiled as I boarded the bus and sat in a window seat.

“If you were here, I would have given you…”, before I could complete, she said, “given me? what? You bought me a gift? Or…?”, she was excited like a kid.

“I was just about to say - Snickers!”, I said.

“Chee.. Peanuts!”, she said. I - we laughed, like really laughed. The bus started moving, and we both switched to text. I was so curious to know what she thought about the letter and asked,

Me - “You did not respond for the letter? Did you?”

She – “What letter? ;)”

That’s both the worst and best thing about texts and smileys. You never know whether that’s a sarcasm or what tone it is. After another 10 minutes, received a “Good Night. Let this be a new beginning :)”. As I smiled looking at the text, I felt peace within me. Checked the time it was 11:59 and I dozed off.

The heart felt a lot lighter and is that why people call Love, eternal happiness?

7 Days of May - 10

The travel was very hectic in the shared cab but luckily, I slept most part of it. I switched cabs at Guwahati and finally reached Shillong by lunch. Even with all the thoughts running around Aarushya, I was amazed as how beautiful this city Shillong could be. Walked around the city for an hour and finally found a place where they rent bikes.

The wind that touches your face when you ride clears your clutters, empties your sorrows, relaxes your mind, and fills your heart up with a fresh energy – the best therapy ever that’s not nature invented. I reached Cherrapunji when it was close to dark and I remembered Aarushya again as I am stranded on the road again without a place to stay.

Finally met Lumlang, young guy in his mid-20’s, who runs a guest house on the starting point of the root bridge trail and stays with his younger brother. He cooked and served food for everyone who comes to stay in their place, and charges very nominal for the meal.

With tiredness from the full day travel, I slept very early. The next morning would be my last in the place and I had to rush back to Shillong to take my flight back to Bangalore. I woke up very early in the morning and started to trek towards the living-root bridge. It was a 2-mile trek with steep climbs, and it took 2 hours to reach the natural marvel. How beautiful the moment would have been if she was here!

‘Aarushya would have reached Guwahati’, I thought to myself and I constantly kept checking my mobile for any message or a phone call from her. The network was poor in the woods, but I knew somehow, she would not have called either. I know she is gone.

The Letter,

Aarushya,

I doubt whether I would be writing you this if you were, with me, to say everything is going to be okay? Might be, for I am so stupid that I lost all my moments just staring at you!

Every time I go out, I prepare myself a little with a few different ‘Hey’s and Hi’s’ to tell you somewhere down the streets though it has never happened even with a feeble probability. I don’t prepare now as I realized it’s impossible, but always fell short of words as I see you everywhere!

I have always enjoyed going out. Even now, I would enjoy amidst all those flashing memories around me. But when on road, I search in vain for your hands in air when looking for traffic on crossroads!

May be one day you will be back, and we will visit all those places together again. You might exclaim, ‘this place has changed a lot!’ even I would agree, but to me the only difference would be you!

I have been with you, I have been alone, and I have been with you and now am alone. Resembles a cycle, and this is the only hope that keeps me going!

Sometimes you hung up the call abruptly when in a hurry. I would call you again and you pick up saying “what's now?” and I would say ‘I was talking’ with a puppy face tone. Since then, you hold your phone a few moments longer in silence after the ‘Bye’. I smile. Now, am holding up the phone long… really long… expecting a call so that I can smile!

You might think there is nothing I hate in you, even that is true to an extent. Still, I hate you the most when you lie when I have no clue. But do you know when do I love you the most? Might be all the time but it’s when you lie, and I know it’s a lie!

I love being alone. Yes, even if it is forced upon me now, I still love. But do you know? I always prefer to be with you than being alone.

I want to live my life to the fullest. But, some part of my life lies with you and I am empty now. I might sound selfish, but you are mine – forever!

-Bala

Letters are the best way of communication. Period. Oh wait, only if right people get to read them!

7 Days of May - 09

The next 15 minutes inside the hut and then a 2-hour journey back to Tawang was the most embarrassing minutes I have ever lived. She took the seat next to Tashi in the car and I was sitting all alone in the rear seat. He tried to start a conversation a few times, failed and then he started to drive quietly as well.

I had both the windows now but kept staring at the car’s internal rear-view mirror. I tried very hard to decrypt her look right after I blurted out those words.

“She did not reply anything. That means it must be a positive response and she might also be thinking about you now”, heart.

“What BS! She did not even talk to you after that. These are your real-last minutes with her!”, brain.

 We reached our last place to visit at Tawang, the Monastery. I walked along the pathways silently rolling the prayer wheels thinking about how to get back to her. She stayed silent throughout and I knew that phase of her. That is called ‘trying to think’ phase – where she never talks to anyone but mostly comes out totally normal. As we reached the hotel, we saw a woman in her mid-30s waiting at the reception. Tashi was so happy seeing his wife after the long mute moments with us. We exchanged greetings and I wanted to look a little normal.

“Thanks for the Namak Chai”, she started, and I just followed her lead and thanked her for the tea. I quickly shifted my bag and tried to reach for the zippers.

“Please don’t give your chocolates to her. Give her something worthy!”, she teased.

It took awhile for me to process her words while my hands kept searching for the snicker. ‘Did she just casually start talking again with me’ ‘Is she normal again?’ ‘Will we be friends again even if not more?’ – I was blankly living the scene with thoughts running far away.

“I actually give it only for the worthy people, you know” and handed one to her trying to say something in Hindi, “this is for the tea… Namak Chai – thank you!”. Tashi translated it and she smiled. I realized I said nothing in Hindi in that sentence. It was nearly dinner time and I was asking him to suggest ‘must try’ restaurants nearby before he left. He mentioned a naga cuisine place and I was looking at her.

Just after Tashi left us alone, I felt like the air between us was getting heavier and it started to build a wall separating us. I kept trying to break them with words but failed. She walked away to her room slowly and I stood there helplessly with zero courage to call her back or talk to her.

I walked back to the room and sat in the porch viewing the valley silently. My heart was heavy, and brain was full of thoughts and questions I could not escape. The thoughts ranged from my work at Bangalore, parents at Madurai and how fortunate I am to have a peaceful life. A flash of the ‘possible last week in the life’ crossed my mind that gave me the mental boost.

“What if..? Will you still sit here and frown? Go talk to her!”, I could not tell who said that. ‘Talking can solve problems, talking will solve problems’ I kept telling myself and just as I reached her door,

“Writing too…”, I definitely knew that was the heart. I walked back to the room without making any noise and sat with a notepad. It was 7:00 PM when I finished the letter.

As per her plan, she would leave for Guwahati in the early morning bus that starts at 2:30 AM. I left the letter with Anup, requested him to give it to Aarushya and I checked out of the hotel by 8:00 PM. Took an overnight cab to Shillong, Meghalaya via Guwahati.

I don’t know why I did that, it is that moment – the moment of madness where ego peaks up and everything you do seems right.

Decisions can always go either way but the ones that are driven by ‘Love’ has always a higher chance of success than ‘Ego’. Love-1; Ego-0.

7 Days of May - 08

Tashi dropped us back at our hotel and detailed us our next day agenda with timings. Our eyes briefly met after Tashi left and she paused for a bit and said, ‘Good Night’. I kept staring at her and that moment ‘red-shirt, rolled up sleeves -right about fore arm, loose hair – little curls in the lower half, her ever powerful eyes and slowly moving lips uttering good night with a *god knows what* smile’ frame is going to live with me forever.

I have always had difficulties with sleeping, and it was a very long night. I kept replaying the previous evening conversation and that moment when she said good night.

“I guess Tashi told you to be ready by 6 in the morning and its way past midnight now. Will you sleep?”, my brain had no interest in my love story.

“I am still dumbfounded. Its been years since I have spoken, and it feels so good. You shut up and let him stay awake for some more time”, heart said happily.

“Don’t you know how this has ended before? Do you even have a memory to look back? Now, shut up both of you and sleep. I can’t let you walk the same path anymore!”, brain screamed.

“Huh… That’s the best thing about me. Do you think memory is about you always? It’s actually about me!” Heart responded and I slept off dreaming about the day.

The next day visit to Bum La pass was eccentric. More than the destinations we went, the drive through the snowy peaks, vast grasslands grazed by huge yaks, soothing music and of course, the company made it one of the best days of the trip. Tashi kept playing ‘Sanam Re’ and I lost count as how many times he played that. One good thing about the car is that myself and Aarushya had no choice of fighting for windows and we did not disturb each other’s thoughts at all. Not to forget the occasional awkward smiles when she catches me staring at her.

Tashi took us to the leeward side of the mountain which was shady and much colder. I looked at both of them and they looked normal with the weather. I was freezing and Tashi finally said there is a small restaurant where we can have our lunch. We went into the small hut made of wood and stones with a few benches and tables. I pulled a small stool for myself and directly headed to their fireplace.

I was jokingly asking her, “Ma’am, what would you like to order?” even though I know there will be nothing much in that remote place. One common thing is that you get Maggi Noodles and eggs – everywhere, even the farthest and remotest places in India. Even if I had choices, I would have always gone for Maggi though!

The lady gave us one bowl each of the hot and soupy Maggi. Tashi looked at her and she signaled him that it would take another 5 minutes. I took a snicker bar and quietly slipped it in his table but Aarushya noticed it.

Tashi smiled and Aarushya questioned, “What’s with you and these chocolates? You gave one to Mitu as well, right? I have never seen you giving chocolates to anyone!”

“Hmmm… you’ve been watching me, huh!”, I said ignoring completely her question.

“Something's not right!”, she said and started enjoying her soupy – Maggi. After a few more awkward smile exchanges and a few spoons of soup, to break the ice.

“Amidst the snow capped peaks in a small hut, when it’s completely cold and your fingers start to become numb, every breath you take makes you feel weaker. Maggi is love. Maggi is heaven. Maggi is everything! Will you be my Maggi, Aarushya?”, I thought it was the voices inside my head for a moment and was smiling to myself but Aarushya looked surprised.

“This is what will happen if you love two very different things equally at the same moment. Stupid heart!”

Trying to define love with words is the messiest. Silence often conveys better!

7 Days of May - 07

After another brief tea break, I reached Tawang – famous for its monastery at 2700m altitude. This is a much bigger town compared to Dirang and it had lot of options to stay. However, I did not have the trouble to find a place. Aarushya had booked another room for me after reaching here and sent me the actual location. It was just a 1 KM walk from where my cab driver dropped me, but I struggled to breath and walk – primarily because of the steep climbs and altitude.

Finally, I reached and gave her a call. She was waiting at the reception to hand the keys.

“Huh... You wasted a day on travel. What a terrible planner!” the first statement welcoming me from her.

“Thanks to you – I walked the length and breadths of Dirang thinking that was Bomdila. Did you know that was Dirang?” I had lots to ask, talk and clarify.

“Hahaha... you thought we stayed in Bodmila? I did ask Mitu where he was headed to. He told Dirang and I thought it would be better to take another 2-hour travel. I thought I told you, sorry about that!” She could not control her laughter even when Anup came in and introduced himself to be the owner of the place. I was so happy seeing her laugh – the purest form of emotion. Anyone can type ‘Hahaha’ ‘lol’ or ‘rofl’ now, but it’s so rare to laugh. How long its been since I laughed!

That evening we met Tashi, friend of Anup and a local taxi driver. We got introduced to him and he can speak English fluently and I was so constantly engaged in conversations with him. We discussed on the places to visit and the documentations required. We had to give him the proofs to get permit for visiting Bum-La pass and other lakes in that area.

Later in the evening, he drove us to a place where skiing is very famous during winters. It was a plain grass land now and a very clear sky. Tashi went to his car and came back with a flask. He poured in three cups and it looked like plain milk – he called it ‘Namak Chai’. The sun was setting, and the moon was full rising slowly, a starry sky, a breeze that’s chilly but not freezing, a hot butter tea and when I was just missing some mild music – she started humming one of my favorites – I could not have asked for a better evening than this.

“If only you had told me your plans the previous night, I would have woken up early and would have come with you. Why didn’t you? Why are you roaming alone here? You are okay, right? Happy?” I kind of asked all that’s running in my mind for two days now.

She looked at me surprised for a moment and started, “I am somewhere between ok and happy... Hmmm, my mom wants me to get married but I can’t tell them. And, now I came for a colleague’s marriage to attend in Guwahati and thought I will extend my vacation a bit. But I did send you a text on the plan and timings last night and you were fast asleep after reading that. I should be angry with you now. Oh wait... Did you get it?”

“You did? The last message was your ‘Good Night’ after many years!” I thought I took a sly dig at her. Some sense of excitement spread through me when she mentioned ‘I can’t tell them’. Is she telling about me? Damn. Is this how it is supposed to feel?

“Bro… I think she is talking to you and you can come out of your dream land”, my brain brought me back to the senses.

Her brows raised and she had a ‘huh! you are telling me this’ look showing her phone and said, “Never mind. Am sorry! Sent it to your old number by mistake!”.

My heart was in a confused state as who to respond to – the brain or her. In those minimum flashing moments, I could take a glimpse of her mobile screen with a few ‘Good Nights’ above the actual message in the one-sided conversation.

There are only two sides to the life, same as a coin – Everyone is right, or Everyone is wrong!