The next 15 minutes inside the hut and then a 2-hour journey
back to Tawang was the most embarrassing minutes I have ever lived. She took
the seat next to Tashi in the car and I was sitting all alone in the rear seat.
He tried to start a conversation a few times, failed and then he started to
drive quietly as well.
I had both the windows now but kept staring at the car’s
internal rear-view mirror. I tried very hard to decrypt her look right after I
blurted out those words.
“She did not reply anything. That means it must be a positive
response and she might also be thinking about you now”, heart.
“What BS! She did not even talk to you after that. These are
your real-last minutes with her!”, brain.
We reached our last
place to visit at Tawang, the Monastery. I walked along the pathways silently
rolling the prayer wheels thinking about how to get back to her. She stayed
silent throughout and I knew that phase of her. That is called ‘trying to
think’ phase – where she never talks to anyone but mostly comes out totally
normal. As we reached the hotel, we saw a woman in her mid-30s waiting at the
reception. Tashi was so happy seeing his wife after the long mute moments with
us. We exchanged greetings and I wanted to look a little normal.
“Thanks for the Namak Chai”, she started, and I just
followed her lead and thanked her for the tea. I quickly shifted my bag and
tried to reach for the zippers.
“Please don’t give your chocolates to her. Give her
something worthy!”, she teased.
It took awhile for me to process her words while my hands
kept searching for the snicker. ‘Did she just casually start talking again with
me’ ‘Is she normal again?’ ‘Will we be friends again even if not more?’ – I was
blankly living the scene with thoughts running far away.
“I actually give it only for the worthy people, you know”
and handed one to her trying to say something in Hindi, “this is for the tea…
Namak Chai – thank you!”. Tashi translated it and she smiled. I realized I said
nothing in Hindi in that sentence. It was nearly dinner time and I was asking
him to suggest ‘must try’ restaurants nearby before he left. He mentioned a naga cuisine place and I was looking at
her.
Just after Tashi left us alone, I felt like the air between
us was getting heavier and it started to build a wall separating us. I kept
trying to break them with words but failed. She walked away to her room slowly
and I stood there helplessly with zero courage to call her back or talk to her.
I walked back to the room and sat in the porch viewing the
valley silently. My heart was heavy, and brain was full of thoughts and
questions I could not escape. The thoughts ranged from my work at Bangalore,
parents at Madurai and how fortunate I am to have a peaceful life. A flash of
the ‘possible last week in the life’ crossed my mind that gave me the mental
boost.
“What if..? Will you still sit here and frown? Go talk to
her!”, I could not tell who said that. ‘Talking can solve problems, talking
will solve problems’ I kept telling myself and just as I reached her door,
“Writing too…”, I definitely knew that was the heart. I
walked back to the room without making any noise and sat with a notepad. It was
7:00 PM when I finished the letter.
As per her plan, she would leave for Guwahati in the early
morning bus that starts at 2:30 AM. I left the letter with Anup, requested him
to give it to Aarushya and I checked out of the hotel by 8:00 PM. Took an
overnight cab to Shillong, Meghalaya via Guwahati.
I don’t know why I did that, it is that moment – the moment
of madness where ego peaks up and everything you do seems right.
Decisions can always go either way but the ones that are driven by ‘Love’ has always a higher chance of success than ‘Ego’. Love-1; Ego-0.
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