7 Days of May - Final

I reached Shillong Airport just in time and stood in the check-in queue looking for her all around. My brain clearly knew she is at Guwahati but could not convince the heart yet. Boarded my flight and now I started to stare my mobile phone. I waited and waited for a call or message from her. Something stopped me inside to initiate the conversation.

The cabin crew started making announcements to turn off the electronic devices and I opened her contact and looked up the messages. Her last message read ‘Good Night’ and then it struck me, ‘what if she has sent a message to my old number?’ ‘what if she tried to call me?’. The flight completed taxiing and it was almost ready for takeoff as my mobile tower started to drop points one by one.

“Hi this is Bala. This is my new number” and hit send. I never knew whether it reached her. It was a 4-hour flight and I must wait to see if it really got delivered.

The flight landed 15 minutes early. I walked out of the flight to pick up my baggage and started to walk out of the airport.

“How cool it would be if she was waiting there to receive me with a hug?”, heart started it.

“Seriously? Now? Let him use me for sometime. You better stop watching the stupid emotional movies that has climax scenes at airport or a railway station!”, brain retorted.

I kept walking and smiling within myself with my random thoughts. I checked my mobile again and I got a beep. The message delivered successfully. I got a call within seconds and I knew even before looking at the name that it was her. I gave it a full 10 seconds and picked up walking towards the Airport bus stand.

If you have someone who can call you to hear your silence, do not leave them. If they can understand the silence, go to any extent to be with them.

“I was waiting for you to tell this… all along, from the moment I met you again. What took you so long! You kept going away, don’t you like me?”, she started after a full 30 seconds of silence.

Ego stops you from initiating. Your brain stops you from initiating. Every emotion tries to stop you and you must cut through every one of them to reach the bottom of your heart. Is that why people say love resides deep inside? Regret is much painful than the failure. Follow your heart.

“Do I really have to say? Sounds, language and words came much later to this universe. The feelings were existent much earlier, no?”, I said. “You smiled, didn’t you?”, I added.

“No, I did not.”, she tried to control her emotions and continued, “Was that even a joke?”

I smiled as I boarded the bus and sat in a window seat.

“If you were here, I would have given you…”, before I could complete, she said, “given me? what? You bought me a gift? Or…?”, she was excited like a kid.

“I was just about to say - Snickers!”, I said.

“Chee.. Peanuts!”, she said. I - we laughed, like really laughed. The bus started moving, and we both switched to text. I was so curious to know what she thought about the letter and asked,

Me - “You did not respond for the letter? Did you?”

She – “What letter? ;)”

That’s both the worst and best thing about texts and smileys. You never know whether that’s a sarcasm or what tone it is. After another 10 minutes, received a “Good Night. Let this be a new beginning :)”. As I smiled looking at the text, I felt peace within me. Checked the time it was 11:59 and I dozed off.

The heart felt a lot lighter and is that why people call Love, eternal happiness?

7 Days of May - 10

The travel was very hectic in the shared cab but luckily, I slept most part of it. I switched cabs at Guwahati and finally reached Shillong by lunch. Even with all the thoughts running around Aarushya, I was amazed as how beautiful this city Shillong could be. Walked around the city for an hour and finally found a place where they rent bikes.

The wind that touches your face when you ride clears your clutters, empties your sorrows, relaxes your mind, and fills your heart up with a fresh energy – the best therapy ever that’s not nature invented. I reached Cherrapunji when it was close to dark and I remembered Aarushya again as I am stranded on the road again without a place to stay.

Finally met Lumlang, young guy in his mid-20’s, who runs a guest house on the starting point of the root bridge trail and stays with his younger brother. He cooked and served food for everyone who comes to stay in their place, and charges very nominal for the meal.

With tiredness from the full day travel, I slept very early. The next morning would be my last in the place and I had to rush back to Shillong to take my flight back to Bangalore. I woke up very early in the morning and started to trek towards the living-root bridge. It was a 2-mile trek with steep climbs, and it took 2 hours to reach the natural marvel. How beautiful the moment would have been if she was here!

‘Aarushya would have reached Guwahati’, I thought to myself and I constantly kept checking my mobile for any message or a phone call from her. The network was poor in the woods, but I knew somehow, she would not have called either. I know she is gone.

The Letter,

Aarushya,

I doubt whether I would be writing you this if you were, with me, to say everything is going to be okay? Might be, for I am so stupid that I lost all my moments just staring at you!

Every time I go out, I prepare myself a little with a few different ‘Hey’s and Hi’s’ to tell you somewhere down the streets though it has never happened even with a feeble probability. I don’t prepare now as I realized it’s impossible, but always fell short of words as I see you everywhere!

I have always enjoyed going out. Even now, I would enjoy amidst all those flashing memories around me. But when on road, I search in vain for your hands in air when looking for traffic on crossroads!

May be one day you will be back, and we will visit all those places together again. You might exclaim, ‘this place has changed a lot!’ even I would agree, but to me the only difference would be you!

I have been with you, I have been alone, and I have been with you and now am alone. Resembles a cycle, and this is the only hope that keeps me going!

Sometimes you hung up the call abruptly when in a hurry. I would call you again and you pick up saying “what's now?” and I would say ‘I was talking’ with a puppy face tone. Since then, you hold your phone a few moments longer in silence after the ‘Bye’. I smile. Now, am holding up the phone long… really long… expecting a call so that I can smile!

You might think there is nothing I hate in you, even that is true to an extent. Still, I hate you the most when you lie when I have no clue. But do you know when do I love you the most? Might be all the time but it’s when you lie, and I know it’s a lie!

I love being alone. Yes, even if it is forced upon me now, I still love. But do you know? I always prefer to be with you than being alone.

I want to live my life to the fullest. But, some part of my life lies with you and I am empty now. I might sound selfish, but you are mine – forever!

-Bala

Letters are the best way of communication. Period. Oh wait, only if right people get to read them!

7 Days of May - 09

The next 15 minutes inside the hut and then a 2-hour journey back to Tawang was the most embarrassing minutes I have ever lived. She took the seat next to Tashi in the car and I was sitting all alone in the rear seat. He tried to start a conversation a few times, failed and then he started to drive quietly as well.

I had both the windows now but kept staring at the car’s internal rear-view mirror. I tried very hard to decrypt her look right after I blurted out those words.

“She did not reply anything. That means it must be a positive response and she might also be thinking about you now”, heart.

“What BS! She did not even talk to you after that. These are your real-last minutes with her!”, brain.

 We reached our last place to visit at Tawang, the Monastery. I walked along the pathways silently rolling the prayer wheels thinking about how to get back to her. She stayed silent throughout and I knew that phase of her. That is called ‘trying to think’ phase – where she never talks to anyone but mostly comes out totally normal. As we reached the hotel, we saw a woman in her mid-30s waiting at the reception. Tashi was so happy seeing his wife after the long mute moments with us. We exchanged greetings and I wanted to look a little normal.

“Thanks for the Namak Chai”, she started, and I just followed her lead and thanked her for the tea. I quickly shifted my bag and tried to reach for the zippers.

“Please don’t give your chocolates to her. Give her something worthy!”, she teased.

It took awhile for me to process her words while my hands kept searching for the snicker. ‘Did she just casually start talking again with me’ ‘Is she normal again?’ ‘Will we be friends again even if not more?’ – I was blankly living the scene with thoughts running far away.

“I actually give it only for the worthy people, you know” and handed one to her trying to say something in Hindi, “this is for the tea… Namak Chai – thank you!”. Tashi translated it and she smiled. I realized I said nothing in Hindi in that sentence. It was nearly dinner time and I was asking him to suggest ‘must try’ restaurants nearby before he left. He mentioned a naga cuisine place and I was looking at her.

Just after Tashi left us alone, I felt like the air between us was getting heavier and it started to build a wall separating us. I kept trying to break them with words but failed. She walked away to her room slowly and I stood there helplessly with zero courage to call her back or talk to her.

I walked back to the room and sat in the porch viewing the valley silently. My heart was heavy, and brain was full of thoughts and questions I could not escape. The thoughts ranged from my work at Bangalore, parents at Madurai and how fortunate I am to have a peaceful life. A flash of the ‘possible last week in the life’ crossed my mind that gave me the mental boost.

“What if..? Will you still sit here and frown? Go talk to her!”, I could not tell who said that. ‘Talking can solve problems, talking will solve problems’ I kept telling myself and just as I reached her door,

“Writing too…”, I definitely knew that was the heart. I walked back to the room without making any noise and sat with a notepad. It was 7:00 PM when I finished the letter.

As per her plan, she would leave for Guwahati in the early morning bus that starts at 2:30 AM. I left the letter with Anup, requested him to give it to Aarushya and I checked out of the hotel by 8:00 PM. Took an overnight cab to Shillong, Meghalaya via Guwahati.

I don’t know why I did that, it is that moment – the moment of madness where ego peaks up and everything you do seems right.

Decisions can always go either way but the ones that are driven by ‘Love’ has always a higher chance of success than ‘Ego’. Love-1; Ego-0.

7 Days of May - 08

Tashi dropped us back at our hotel and detailed us our next day agenda with timings. Our eyes briefly met after Tashi left and she paused for a bit and said, ‘Good Night’. I kept staring at her and that moment ‘red-shirt, rolled up sleeves -right about fore arm, loose hair – little curls in the lower half, her ever powerful eyes and slowly moving lips uttering good night with a *god knows what* smile’ frame is going to live with me forever.

I have always had difficulties with sleeping, and it was a very long night. I kept replaying the previous evening conversation and that moment when she said good night.

“I guess Tashi told you to be ready by 6 in the morning and its way past midnight now. Will you sleep?”, my brain had no interest in my love story.

“I am still dumbfounded. Its been years since I have spoken, and it feels so good. You shut up and let him stay awake for some more time”, heart said happily.

“Don’t you know how this has ended before? Do you even have a memory to look back? Now, shut up both of you and sleep. I can’t let you walk the same path anymore!”, brain screamed.

“Huh… That’s the best thing about me. Do you think memory is about you always? It’s actually about me!” Heart responded and I slept off dreaming about the day.

The next day visit to Bum La pass was eccentric. More than the destinations we went, the drive through the snowy peaks, vast grasslands grazed by huge yaks, soothing music and of course, the company made it one of the best days of the trip. Tashi kept playing ‘Sanam Re’ and I lost count as how many times he played that. One good thing about the car is that myself and Aarushya had no choice of fighting for windows and we did not disturb each other’s thoughts at all. Not to forget the occasional awkward smiles when she catches me staring at her.

Tashi took us to the leeward side of the mountain which was shady and much colder. I looked at both of them and they looked normal with the weather. I was freezing and Tashi finally said there is a small restaurant where we can have our lunch. We went into the small hut made of wood and stones with a few benches and tables. I pulled a small stool for myself and directly headed to their fireplace.

I was jokingly asking her, “Ma’am, what would you like to order?” even though I know there will be nothing much in that remote place. One common thing is that you get Maggi Noodles and eggs – everywhere, even the farthest and remotest places in India. Even if I had choices, I would have always gone for Maggi though!

The lady gave us one bowl each of the hot and soupy Maggi. Tashi looked at her and she signaled him that it would take another 5 minutes. I took a snicker bar and quietly slipped it in his table but Aarushya noticed it.

Tashi smiled and Aarushya questioned, “What’s with you and these chocolates? You gave one to Mitu as well, right? I have never seen you giving chocolates to anyone!”

“Hmmm… you’ve been watching me, huh!”, I said ignoring completely her question.

“Something's not right!”, she said and started enjoying her soupy – Maggi. After a few more awkward smile exchanges and a few spoons of soup, to break the ice.

“Amidst the snow capped peaks in a small hut, when it’s completely cold and your fingers start to become numb, every breath you take makes you feel weaker. Maggi is love. Maggi is heaven. Maggi is everything! Will you be my Maggi, Aarushya?”, I thought it was the voices inside my head for a moment and was smiling to myself but Aarushya looked surprised.

“This is what will happen if you love two very different things equally at the same moment. Stupid heart!”

Trying to define love with words is the messiest. Silence often conveys better!

7 Days of May - 07

After another brief tea break, I reached Tawang – famous for its monastery at 2700m altitude. This is a much bigger town compared to Dirang and it had lot of options to stay. However, I did not have the trouble to find a place. Aarushya had booked another room for me after reaching here and sent me the actual location. It was just a 1 KM walk from where my cab driver dropped me, but I struggled to breath and walk – primarily because of the steep climbs and altitude.

Finally, I reached and gave her a call. She was waiting at the reception to hand the keys.

“Huh... You wasted a day on travel. What a terrible planner!” the first statement welcoming me from her.

“Thanks to you – I walked the length and breadths of Dirang thinking that was Bomdila. Did you know that was Dirang?” I had lots to ask, talk and clarify.

“Hahaha... you thought we stayed in Bodmila? I did ask Mitu where he was headed to. He told Dirang and I thought it would be better to take another 2-hour travel. I thought I told you, sorry about that!” She could not control her laughter even when Anup came in and introduced himself to be the owner of the place. I was so happy seeing her laugh – the purest form of emotion. Anyone can type ‘Hahaha’ ‘lol’ or ‘rofl’ now, but it’s so rare to laugh. How long its been since I laughed!

That evening we met Tashi, friend of Anup and a local taxi driver. We got introduced to him and he can speak English fluently and I was so constantly engaged in conversations with him. We discussed on the places to visit and the documentations required. We had to give him the proofs to get permit for visiting Bum-La pass and other lakes in that area.

Later in the evening, he drove us to a place where skiing is very famous during winters. It was a plain grass land now and a very clear sky. Tashi went to his car and came back with a flask. He poured in three cups and it looked like plain milk – he called it ‘Namak Chai’. The sun was setting, and the moon was full rising slowly, a starry sky, a breeze that’s chilly but not freezing, a hot butter tea and when I was just missing some mild music – she started humming one of my favorites – I could not have asked for a better evening than this.

“If only you had told me your plans the previous night, I would have woken up early and would have come with you. Why didn’t you? Why are you roaming alone here? You are okay, right? Happy?” I kind of asked all that’s running in my mind for two days now.

She looked at me surprised for a moment and started, “I am somewhere between ok and happy... Hmmm, my mom wants me to get married but I can’t tell them. And, now I came for a colleague’s marriage to attend in Guwahati and thought I will extend my vacation a bit. But I did send you a text on the plan and timings last night and you were fast asleep after reading that. I should be angry with you now. Oh wait... Did you get it?”

“You did? The last message was your ‘Good Night’ after many years!” I thought I took a sly dig at her. Some sense of excitement spread through me when she mentioned ‘I can’t tell them’. Is she telling about me? Damn. Is this how it is supposed to feel?

“Bro… I think she is talking to you and you can come out of your dream land”, my brain brought me back to the senses.

Her brows raised and she had a ‘huh! you are telling me this’ look showing her phone and said, “Never mind. Am sorry! Sent it to your old number by mistake!”.

My heart was in a confused state as who to respond to – the brain or her. In those minimum flashing moments, I could take a glimpse of her mobile screen with a few ‘Good Nights’ above the actual message in the one-sided conversation.

There are only two sides to the life, same as a coin – Everyone is right, or Everyone is wrong! 

7 Days of May - 06

I could not stand losing her again. I was scared whether something had happened to her or someone had kidnapped her overnight. I kept calling her number repeatedly. It was already mid-day when I was running tired around the small town. Except for the stream and a Buddhist monastery there was nothing much in the town. Searched for Mitu or anyone who can help me, but nobody had a clue who Mitu was. I remember her mentioning Tawang and I started enquiring about as how to reach Tawang. Struggled with the locals and their language and finally found that I am in Dirang and not in Bomdila. Booked another shared cab to Tawang from Dirang.

 I had a strong belief nothing bad would have happened to her and at the same time very much confused as why would she go just like that. I was replaying our whole conversation last night in my head to find whether I spoke something which had hurt her. I could not convince myself with anything. The cab journey was hell with all those thoughts on my mind. We were crossing the Sela Pass and the driver, whom I did not care to ask his name, stopped for a short break.

There was a huge lake half - frozen just next to the pass. It was freezing cold as we move up the altitude. I have always wanted to drive through this pass but here I am standing with a heavy heart. I could not enjoy the moment or the views.

I dialed her number again and this time it connected. She picked up and said “Hello”. A thousand question suggestions came to my brain still I stayed silent. She did not speak too. I have lived long enough without talking to her, but these 12 hours broke me from inside more than those 5 years.

“Why?” I asked with a lump in my throat.

“That’s how I felt 5 years back. I could not do this for 12 hours straight and how did you do this for 5 years? I know you, at least I thought I knew you then. Did you even think about me for a moment? Anyway, I did not want to disrupt your plans!”. Her words always had an impact. This time a little more than ever. I could not answer to any of that.

“You never answer. Do you? Ok. We are even now. Friends?” I tried to switch topics and bring us back together. She smiled, and I could sense it miles apart. That’s the beauty of, well – okay Friendship, right?

“No. I still have 5 years 26 days and 12 hours!”, she responded jokingly. I checked the time and thought to myself – ‘I may have lot lesser than that!’

“Whatt! You had count? And, you never say ‘Yes’! By the way, where are you now?” I asked her and continued my travel towards Tawang.

“Well, see you tonight!” She said and hung up. I was happy. Happiness is a weird thing – you can be happy for anything - a great meal, a beach, a bike ride, a sunset, a quote, a song, a good friend, a voice or even India winning the world cup. But the real happiness is when you are happy for yourself. Nothing can beat that feel of satisfaction and happiness when you feel light. I felt that, for a brief moment and then my stomach started crying for food. It’s been nearly a day since I had anything to eat – I opened a snicker bar!

Love is the missing piece in the jigsaw puzzle - you can never force fit!

7 Days of May - 05

The ten-person shared cab journey from Tezpur to Bomdila was a mess except for the fact that I was sitting next to Aarushya. Through the mountainous terrain and beautiful scenic passes of Arunachal Pradesh, one of the largest states in India, Mitu (the cab driver) reached on his schedule but way beyond ours.

Wearing my good for nothing jacket and keeping my hands tightly inside the pockets, “Have you booked a room?” I enquired her.

“WHATT! I don’t even know something like Bodmila existed before you told me. I was planning to go to Tawang and have planned and booked everything there!”, she told with a huge surprise.

“Bomdila”, I corrected her.

“As-if! Huhhh!”, she took a deep breath and composed herself and continued, “You are such a terrible planner!”

The only thing I did not tell her was the letter and why I decided to travel here. I had zero plans and a sense of fear started to creep through my body with the cold winds blowing on my face. I stood there saying nothing. Her face was shining with the soon to be full moon with a constant rustling sound of river and tiny insects sounds gave a wave of scare. My stare was interrupted by Mitu asking me “Rooms----- book-----”. I said “yes” without knowing what those words he spoke between ‘Rooms’ and ‘Book’. He quickly dialed a guy and started to speak something. An unusual intuition kicked me from inside and I signaled her to listen to their conversation.

After disconnecting the call, Mitu walked towards the only opened tea shop in that road and started talking with him.

“What did he speak on the phone?” I hurriedly asked her to sense the situation. She was so calm and cool and responded “I don’t know. You should have…”

“What? You know Hindi right? I know I did not plan the trip and I did not book anything. Also, I did not plan to meet you here. Why can’t you just listen to that conversation for a moment”, I cut her midway and tried to show my disappointment without raising the voice.

“Hahaha! I know Hindi and I know you don’t know Hindi. Also, I know he was not speaking Hindi on Phone!”, she told casually and smirked.

Apparently, they were speaking a local dialect and I was on the verge of losing my temper for a moment for nothing. I could not think clearly or understand what is happening around. Only thing I did not do was shout instead I kept my mouth shut. It was scarier than the day before because of increased responsibility. If I tell her this, she will start with “Why do you feel responsible. I am on my own! Blah. Blah. Blah.”. On that moment someone started inside my head “If it was your last week…” and was promptly disturbed by Mitu.

“Sir... Rooms------------------“, he said, and I had no other choice other than to look at her for translation. She replied him something and in the next 30 minutes we both were inside a small house with two tiny rooms and comforters. We paid him off and thanked him for the help. I slipped him a snicker bar into his hands and wished him ‘Good night’. In the next few minutes we exchanged smiles and I slipped into the fluffy comforter.

“Good Night :)”, a text message beep and I smiled to myself. I remembered her telling me once that she will never sleep without wishing a good night to me. I guess she never slept for 5 years!

I woke up a little late in the morning and looked through the window. The clear blue skies complementing the green mountains and a river melted from the distant glaciers glittering with golden sun streaks made an absolute view. Went out of my tiny room in to the main hall to look for her and plan the rest of the day. Looked around and all the doors were left open. Hurriedly looked at my mobile phone – no text or calls from her. Her bags were gone and so is she!

I dialed her number and an automated voice responded that she is out of reach!

People are never meant to be the ‘constants’ in anyone’s life. It’s always the feel they made you feel!

7 Days of May - 04

Before I started to turn and run away from the moment, I guess I kept staring a little longer and gave her the time to notice me. As soon as she started walking towards me with the confused look, I started searching for something to stare at and walk away from the place. I failed, and she stood there, right in front of me.

“What are you doing here?” with a totally puzzled look and the voice showing more of a concern than the surprise.

It’s been 5 years since I have heard her and plus one day since I have seen her. I was equally surprised seeing her at that moment. That’s the only sentence I could frame at that moment, and she stole it from me, right before I could react.

I stood silent - the longest 30 seconds of my life. She broke the silence again with a much simpler question and a lot calmer – “How are you? What were you doing all these years?”

She is full of questions, I thought. “I’m – I’m good!” I said bluntly. That’s how we are trained, right? How good or bad you may feel but when someone asks you, you always respond that you are fine.

“You are seeing me after years and this is the level of enthusiasm you show? Ok anyway. Where are you traveling to?” within moments she looked upset, but I could sense she was trying hard to stay calm.

I have known her for a long time since college and the initial couple of years into work. I have not spoken to her in college. We both got into the same company and the same joining date at Bangalore. When nobody was there on the first day at work – We had no choice other than to keep company. It’s a roller coaster 3 years where we grew from acquaintance to just friends to best friends. I would say a little more than best friend and she would always deny it. And, then it all changed overnight when she said her parents are looking for a groom for her to get married.

“Ahmm.. Bom-di-la, may be Dir-an..” before I could complete the sentence, she started walking back to one of the agents and spoke something. She came back after minutes of discussions with the travel agent and told me “Next cab is at 5:30 PM”.

The next one hour she was full of questions and I could hardly answer any. I was silent most of the time. Actually, I was trying to process the fact that she is sitting next to me and talking to me – for real, after years. Maybe, I am still staring.

“How are you?” I asked her. She smiled, the same smile after all. We just sat by the Brahmaputra river and staring the majestic river flowing with full power. This should have been Brahmaputra sea – I thought. She broke the silence again with the same question.

“What are you doing here? How are you?” She never answers the questions with answers but questions. We got into the shared cab and I started talking.

“I switched companies. Changed rooms. Changed numbers. I did not have anyone to share cooked food anymore, so started going to restaurants. Ate my lunches and dinners - alone - staring at a wall. I started traveling alone – I got the window seats by the way, took our... my bike – to Ladakh and every single state I could think of. Fractured bones – right hand and people advised not to drive bike again. Clearly nobody had any influence over my decisions after you were gone and rode my bike again to Ladakh. I kept changing the areas and companies again for every street we walked and every food joint we ate kept reminding me about you. But, could never run away from my thoughts. I know I missed you every moment but what other choice did I have?”

She looked at me keener as if she is getting into my brain and validating the statements. Moments later she started fuming, “You fractured your hand? You think I will be sympathetic with that summary of yours? Don’t talk. You did not even care to make a call? Not even a text message?” 

I was wondering did she even hear anything after my fracture – particularly the sentences that had ‘you’. In the next 4 hours of journey – she learnt everything about me. I felt I am still at the same point – I just knew she is fine and nothing else about her in the past 5 years. It was well past midnight 1:30 AM, Bomdila – it was complete dark and freezing cold.

It is always believed that everything will be alright the next day. But you still got to survive through the night!

7 Days of May - 03

Landed at Guwahati airport and felt like I have been drugged and kidnapped in the flight. Now along with fear, a lot of questions started echoing in my ears. The airport was compact and in no-time I was stranded on the huge parking lot with my backpack. A lot of taxiwalas kept buzzing around me with loud noises of ‘Ma ka temple’, ‘ISBT’, ‘Rooms’, ‘Majuili’, ‘Kaziranga’.

I kept reading about how to reach, where to stay and the transportation options for Sela Pass. But when someone shouted ‘Kaziranga’, my immediate thought was ‘Let’s do this!’.

I stood there holding my bag tightly with a hope to find a taxi driver who can communicate with me. I am from a place down south of Tamil Nadu and thanks to my forefathers – I know only Tamil and English. After 30 minutes of careful watch, chose a guy and went with him to his car – of course he is the cheapest. He took my bag, locked it in the boot and before I ask him ‘How much time Bhaiyya?’, he vanished, and I am in the car with 2 other strangers.

After a long wait of another 30 minutes which seemed to me like a year with all my thoughts of life and death, he came with another two strangers. I could sense from the situation that this must be a shared cab and he is asking us to adjust. Thanks to my heavy built – with layers of fat – I am voted unanimously to move to the front seat with the driver.

It took 40 minutes to reach ISBT, Guwahati. From the broken English of driver, I guess this must be the place where I should be taking the bus to Kaziranga. A guy literally held my hands and took me to a counter, made me pay, gave me the ticket and told ‘Bus 1 hour come’. I sat right next to the counter and kept staring at the ticket and the bus terminal. It was a busy terminal with small shops around (got some snacks) and a whole lot of buses were going to either Tezpur or Shillong.

After an hour and half, boarded the bus and the conductor asked for the slip. He gave me another in return which read K-O-H-O-R-O.

“Kaziranga, Bhaiyya”, I told him and kept a puppy face at him. From the minimum conversation I had, it was very evident for him that I know one Hindi word – “Bhaiyya”. He told a very lengthy sentence and finally signaled me to get in and sit. I reached Kohoro by 5:30 PM, it was pitch dark.

My initial plan was to finish the evening safari and reach back to Tezpur by night. More than the darkness, being alone scared me. I am stranded in the middle of a small town full of shops and a lot of crowd. I know it’s totally absurd to ask for a possible forest safari at this time and started to enquire about the stay options available.

Its 2 hours since I started searching for an accommodation, I ended up where I started. Standing still in the middle which is getting colder by every minute with a range of emotions rushing through my heart. The fear which was initially a small thread now has woven a blanket with time and covered me over without a streak of light.

That moment, that moment made me mad. I screamed inside my mind. I blamed every single decision I took – the trip, the driver, the airport, the ISBT and I was so much frustrated that I had no control on what was happening.

The next few minutes were nothing less than a miracle. A guy came towards me and asked me if I would be happy to take a small room in a government guest house and I nodded yes involuntarily. I learned that he is Bitu, care taker at the guest house and his family lived with him there. They cooked me a meal and gave me a small bed with a mosquito net. I kept thinking about who to thank for being so fortunate and that one hand that always holds you from falling. I never know when I slept.

The next morning first half went in a jiffy witnessing the one horned rhinoceros at the Kaziranga national park safari. I never had a chance to meet Bitu next morning when I reached back to room. ‘Thank God! he is not here. I would have messed up my thanks with broken words!’ I thought to myself and with a heartful of gratitude took my bag, left the keys at the table and started to the bus stop. On a second thought, walked back to the room where I kept the keys and placed a note that read ‘Thank you’ and a snicker bar. That moment – I felt happiness.

A sense of calmness ran through the 4-hour journey and reached the empty Tezpur bus stand. As I found no buses but only a few ‘agents’ shouting names of places, grabbed a packet of biscuit and sat on one of the sit outs close to a pillar. Some distant conversation from behind brought me back to senses and my goal of traveling to Bomdila came alive again. As I started to walk towards the agent, I noticed a girl with a backpack talking to him. My heart won the race with my brain to process the fact and started to beat faster than ever. With all the memories rushing through my senses, I stood there still – possibly staring at her. I have lived my best days with her. She is Aarushya.

Is this how life works? Crushes your hope and pushes you hard enough that you badly want to quit but always gives a reason to come back stronger!

7 Days of May - 02

Opened my internet banking and checked the balance – around 26K, “good enough for a week!” I said to myself and closed it. 11:15 AM

Another 15 minutes for my whole team to come back. Drafted a mail in a hurry – Personal Emergency: On vacation from today and quickly left the office for home.

Smiled to myself and “Hah, it indeed feels nice” with a huge sigh of relief. Looked at my watch and with every second ticking, I felt a rush of fear creeping through my mind. Wondered for a moment whether I am staring at timer in a time bomb ticking counting towards zero.

Opened my laptop and started to randomly look at the gallery. Still images from my childhood and college brought back lot of memories. I have had a lot of friends and what happened to all of them? In a few moments, I am filled with questions. Is that all life is about? Few of them married, a few moved on to other countries to settle down and a whole lot of them – I don’t know what they are doing at all. Everybody has planned their own life and moved on and I felt stuck. Opened Facebook timeline and it did not do any good to improve my mood either. 12:15 PM

‘Huh... this memories thing is crap. I should have opened Swiggy rather Facebook’ I thought to myself. Waited for 30 minutes to get the food delivered. Completed my lunch and I don’t remember when I snoozed. Trust me when I say this, nobody can match the happiness a Biriyani provides.

Woke up to the doorbell and wondered as who this visitor to my house at this time. Found no one at the door and stood there wondering - Is this God’s way of an alarm? Trying to notify something to me? Security shouted from the aisle - ‘Sorry sir, it’s some neighbor’s kids prank’. Sighed to myself and went to my room again. 3:00 PM.

Opened my laptop again and started cleaning up my folders. Long time before, after hearing some inspirational speech in YouTube I had started writing a wish list – things to do before I die. Started going through the list skipping the impossible like Pyramids, Niagara, Amazon, Sahara, etc., and going further down, stopped on ‘Sela Pass’.

I did not want to continue reading the list beyond that. I wanted to go there, at least once in a lifetime and I do not know how much is left in my life. I have always wanted to ride my bike there, but in a week? My conscience interrupted with an image from earlier today – my bank balance. Still, I thought why not go there? What better use can this credit cards be!

The next one hour went in a jiffy. Booked a flight to Guwahati for next morning 6:00 AM – Packed bags – Purchased a jacket and came back home. I kept asking ‘what else’ every minute with a mixture of excitement and fear going through my chest.

I had nothing else to do other than looking at my phone to check the time and every time I looked a WhatsApp notification kept popping up from the un-official office WhatsApp group. I don’t usually open the group, but I kept reading them through the notification. Few folks asked about me – felt weird and then later they started with their usual ‘Our National Anthem won the Best Song from UNESCO’ types forward messages. Last dinner in Bangalore, I thought to myself and started. 8:00 PM

Even after dinner, ‘What else’ was still running in the background of my brain. I wondered, ‘Is that within Indian border?’ ‘Do I need a Passport?’ ‘will there be hotels for breakfast?’, ‘will I get food?’ ‘I don’t want to starve and die’. Went to a supermarket nearby and bought some chocolates. To be exact, one per day and I bought 7 Snicker Bars.

Excitement and fear are always divided by a very fine line and you never know which side of it you live. If you start trying to resolve that equation – fear catches up!

7 Days of May - 01

A Usual Day, 2018. Bangalore

God,

I really wonder how people pull it off for more than 25 years. It’s really tough and they are doing something very tough to pull it off, I know. But how they proceed, I don’t know! Is this life not boring?

Doing always the same thing? Getting up, rushing up to office, looking the system time and your watch’s time every 5 minutes, same stupid food but increase in bills every month, staring at Google’s search results, staring at your mobile, counting how many days left in this week, then how many days left in the month for the salary, usual traffic and usual dinner. Day is done.

When weekdays are this bore, weekends are much more! Getting up at 11, going out for lunch, paying more than what we usually do for what we usually have, sleep and day is done. If you plan for some trip or outing, everybody starts enthusiastic, but nobody turns up. This happens every month. E-V-E-R-Y fucking month!

I miss my home, mom’s food, my time with friends, my hometown, the time I play, the time I spent reading, the time I laughed, the moments that stay with me forever and the worst thing is that I miss them all for money! How sick is that? You understand right?

This is my problem. I don’t find anything interesting to live in this world and I miss everything interesting. Whoever I love to talk won’t talk to me, whoever I find interesting finds me stupid and so I end up being alone always. I don’t expect, I don’t dream, I don’t want to reach great heights and I don’t find any purpose in this life. Please, don’t advise me to marry and spoil one another’s life. I have no special reasons/persons to live anymore. So kindly kill me, please no violence, a gentle death in the sleep.

I have already pulled off 28 years now. Please, I can't continue to live like this any more. So please, God, Are you really reading what I write? I know you will be. Please do something!

Thanks in advance,

Bala

Penned a letter, folded it and kept it safe between the table and paper weight and I don’t exactly remember when I slept off. I share a two bedroom flat with one poor guy sharing the house. I moved in here after most of my UG friends got along with their lives and jobs. I wanted a private room and lot of private time so as my roommate. We are just ‘hi – bye’ friends who talk only on the day of salary to share the house rent and sometimes to pick up food for each other. This is my life, at least for the past 4 years.

The room is always neat except for the corners where the wires were clustered and look messy. It was a 10X12 room, with a little darker shade of creamy mint green with only two shelves, a large mirror, a laptop and a few mobile phones on a single foldable bed and few pillows at one side, a small writing table on the other side and a lot of empty wall. The wall had Gautama Buddha in a meditating posture on one end and on the opposite side a huge Chelsea club crest poster.

I woke up from the bed a little tired than usual. Checked my mobile for the time, it showed 9:25. ‘It’s late!’ I told to myself and wondered ‘9 full hours, that’s something new!’ and stumbled a bit while rushing up from bed to get ready.

After I joined the company, I enjoyed my life as much as I could for first 3 months, since then I keep telling myself that I enjoy life and work. If you plot my timeline of enthusiasm since childhood, it must be a deep dive closing in zero in the last 4 years except for a few spikes here and there. Sleep of 9 hours is something near to an achievement for me on weekdays as I hardly sleep before 1 AM.

Took very less time than I ever would and got ready, checked my mobile, purse and ID card and finally started from home. It was 10:30 AM.

Staying in the cubicle is much better than entering late to a meeting. You can avoid that boring lecture on time management! Till then it didn’t strike me, what if God is real and I die as I wrote in that letter? Will I be doing this stupid job if it is going to be my last week? Hell, No! Mind acted quickly and…

Life is like gambling. You will have the beginner’s luck, sometimes an extended luck but if you do not know when to quit – it’s all lost!

7 Days of May - Prologue

Who ate my Snicker Bars!

Life is just an empty paper. Some people write, some draw, some don’t care, some stare other’s – but some just stare their own. Not all days go into your memory or create memories. Only 5% of your total days you cherish for rest of your life, 80% of days would be over just by doing the routines and remaining 15% days makes you mess up things by wondering what to do to make this day special.

Bala, you ever wonder this guy has something special to do or does things in a special way because you will never find him doing anything – he is one guy who just stares a white paper. Talks hours in phone, hangs out with friends, watches movies, checks Facebook umpteen times a day, tweets, reads occasionally, reviews movies, music, cricket, football – overall, he is one among the undergraduate software engineers working in an MNC for money rather satisfaction. This is about his 5%.